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I heard two terribly funny things lately. First, the other night on Frasier, it turns out he had had a little fling with his music teacher. His brother told their dad, "You'll be happy to know, while he was getting his Rockmoninoffs (sp?), I was getting a musical education."

The other day I was at dinner with a bunch of musicians. One guy was banging his knife on the table and trying to figure out what pitch it hummed at. Lydia turns to him and says, "I think its a little sharp."
Heaven and Hell
I heard this at lunch today, and I thought it was funny. Hopefully I won't mess it up too bad.

In heaven you get
  • Chinese Food
  • A British House
  • An American Salary
  • An Indian (as in India) Wife

    In hell you get
  • British Food
  • A Chinese House
  • An Indian's Salary
  • An American Wife

    How to be a good wife:
    My aunt and mother sent this one to me. I left my aunts comments at the bottom, since I think that's the funniest part. This is from some home ec. textbook or something from the 50's. Btw, I really do think a wife should act like this. So should the husband too though. Its a matter of being sensitive to your loved ones.

    Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

    Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of working weary people Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

    Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the childrens hands and faces. Comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

    Minimize all the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vaccum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile.

    Some dont's: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if hes late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soft soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

    Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

    Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to another place of entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to come home and relax.

    The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

    Well thats it. Tell your wife if she follows any of this I will personally fly out there and kick her ass. Cause then Chief will want it too and I'm not doing this crap. Do I look like I wear a Dress and Pearls around my neck like Donna Reed!!!

    Make me Smile...Submit a Nice Joke